On Sunday, my wife took us all to see a little Christmas play.
‘Clumsy, lazy reindeer makes good in the end.’
The baddy was bizarrely a Major from the British army.
I think they must have found the (real) uniform in a charity shop.
The play was pretty terrible but the children enjoyed it.

My eldest daughter is incapable of closing doors.
You’d think that if you have to open a door to get through it, it’d be an obvious thought to close it behind you.

Yesterday evening I collected her from St Albans and when we got home she failed to shut the passenger door properly when leaving the car.
The little door light stayed on all night.
Would the car start this morning when she needed a lift to the coach stop?
No. The battery was completely dead.
Poor girl had to catch the bus.

…Yes, I know I should have noticed when I locked the car.
(Annoying but brilliant car key clicky lock button thing!)
My punishment was having to organise and jump start the car in the freezing cold so my wife could get the other children to school.

The whole family is ill. My wife is poorly and my youngest two children off school.
My eldest is also ill, but too concerned over her social life to allow herself time away from her friends.
I’m a bit wobbly but OK.

My middle child had her first proper party last weekend.
All her thirty odd class mates were there plus several others.
A balloon filled hall, ‘Stripey wipey’ the clown and all the junk food they could possibly eat.
Normally she’s quite a shy girl but for once she enjoyed being the centre of attention.
Even her younger brother seemed pleased for her and didn’t get at all jealous.
My wife organised everything brilliantly and even managed to keep hold of her temper!
Everyone had a great time and no one hurt themselves.
As for me… I puffed up balloons, helped with food and generally did as I was told.
Now I can relax until Christmas...

So good, I did it twice.

1) Being charged by an African bull elephant.

2) Static line parachute jump.

3) White water rafting.

On the train I saw a youngish woman. Something about her was odd, but I couldn’t work out what it was until I noticed her eyebrows.
I’m used to seeing fake, drawn on Eyebrows on women. I don’t understand why they would think a couple of lines of make up is more attractive than real eyebrows though.
What I found strange was how high up she’d drawn them. They started above her eyes where they ought to but then went upwards and outwards at such a steep angle that she resembled ‘Spock’ from Star trek.

Why would they spell ‘Phonetics’ with a ‘Ph’?

I took my family to the Cotswolds last week.
We didn’t do much: a bit of shopping, a couple of restaurant lunches and a childrens climbing centre.
My favourite thing though was feeding some horses near the cottage, in the brisk air.
It was a nice break from the normal routine.
I love it there and so did the dog.

Barack Obama has won the American presidential elections.
I like him, but apart from ‘Change’, what does he stand for. He’s obviously a charming and gifted orator, but what else?
As a man, he has issues regarding his racial identity. I can understand that. He’s being labelled ‘the first black president’.
Funny, I thought he was mixed race.
(A bit like America itself.)

Richard Bacon. The shamed ex ‘Blue Peter’ presenter.

(To be fair, he wasn’t sitting opposite me. I passed him on the escalator.)

There are no farms near where I live.
Some woodland and a few parks, but nothing with any livestock.
Yet this morning I found. (My dog found) a dead sheep hidden under a tree in the fields behind my house.
Its face had been eaten away, probably by crows but it was still relatively fresh.
How did it get there?
Lost and died of natural causes or killed and dumped?
Weird either way.

Again, on the Northern line, I found myself sitting opposite a celebrity.
Jonathan Pryce, of ‘Brazil’ and ‘Tomorrow never dies’ fame.
He was with his (I assume) wife and dressed quite scruffily.
He’s only in his early sixties but he seemed much older.

I sat opposite Hugh Dennis from ‘Mock the Week’ this morning on the Northern line.
He was dressed very casually in jeans, trainers and a sweat-shirt.
We both got off at Euston and I was surprised to discover that I was taller than him.
Perhaps the tall, besuited image is just for TV?

Bugger!

There’s an open-air shopping centre near to where I live. It’s filled with a variety of shops and has several small cafés.
In the open aired centre there are several trees.
This is nice.
The whole place is laid out well and is pleasant to look at.
There’s even birdsong to be heard coming from the trees.
All year around!
How is this possible?
It’s a recording. Apparently it enhances the mood of shoppers and encourages them to spend more freely.
Now that I know, I just find it irritating.

Most art leaves me cold. This is surprising as the only thing I’m remotely good at is drawing.
Occasionally I do find something that makes me stop and stare. Strangely, considering my talent is firmly 2D, these items are usually statues.
My favourite in London is ‘La Deliverance’.
It’s a green coloured metal figure of a gloriously unashamed, naked woman.
It’s beautiful and I always have to look whenever I drive through Finchley.
The statue is meant to represent a joyous celebration of the joint victory of the French and British over the Germans during the First World War.
Most people though, refer to it as ‘The Naked Lady’.

Last night, after the children were asleep, I watched television.
I was just channel hopping, hoping to find something worth watching.
Most everything seemed rubbish, but then I came across a film. It was called ‘Hostel’ and it was supposed to be a horror movie.
The fifteen or so minutes I watched showed a brutal torture scene.
What kind of a person enjoys this sort of thing?
I had to switch off when the bound American student had both his Achilles tendons cut through with a scalpel.
I checked on the Internet this morning and was appalled to discover that this film grossed over $80 million internationally and spawned a sequel.
This world is filled with nasty people.

Or is that too sever?

My five year old daughter lost her first tooth yesterday. She was eating an apple and swallowed it before she realised it had come out.
She was worried that the tooth fairy wouldn’t come but was reassured by her Mother and older Sister.
Sure enough, under her pillow, was a brand new, shinny £1 coin.
She couldn’t have been more pleased.

My four year old Son went to a party yesterday.
It was pretty well organised, with food, a bouncy castle and music.
The things the children enjoyed the most though were the balloon twister and the face painter.
All the boys were soon running around looking like Tigers or Spider man, while waving balloon swords or laser blasters.
My Son?
A Zebra face and a balloon Dog!

I was walking in the fields with my two smallest children when my daughter saw an injured moth. It had a seriously damaged wing but other than that was intact.
It kept trying to fly but only achieving a temporary mid-air flip before landing on it’s back again.
My daughter asked me if we could take it home.
Normally I would've said no. Wild creatures belong outdoors.
Still, this little moth had no chance of survival or even movement so I agreed.
She carried it gently in her hands all the way home.
Once there, we transferred it to an open jar. (It wasn’t going to fly out.)
Then my daughter asked me ‘what do moths eat?’
…
My first though was pollen, like bees and butterflies, but moths come out at night when the flowers close up.
I had no idea so we put in some small flowers and some fruit.
Surprisingly the little white moth survived for two more days with my kind hearted, five year old daughter checking on it regularly.

My children have all gone back to school after the Summer break. Unfortunately they all now go to different schools.
My eldest can walk herself to her coach stop and my Wife can drive my youngest to his. This just leaves my middle child.
I was meant to organise a second car over the last few months, but my wife wanted to choose something for herself.
She did.
She chose a Fiat 500.
Unfortunately this car was only launched last year, and I’ve no intention of buying a new one.
My solution?
I’m taking my daughter to school by bus.
Simple and it solves the problem of what to do with the car between dropping her and going to work.
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this to begin with.

It's great and so's the rest of him.

My Father went to Brussels on Wednesday. He was giving a lecture at a seminar and had to spend the night.
Thursday morning he wasn’t allowed onto the train due to an explosion caused by a lorry carrying toxic chemicals overturning on a freight train.
How it overturned while on the freight train is a worry, but why a dangerous chemical is being transported alongside people is even more alarming.
The Chunnel wasn’t reopened yesterday or today.
My poor Father with his one-day supply of clothes had to book a flight. He’ll be home around 10pm.
Only a day and a half late.
I wonder if he’ll get anything more than a half hearted apology from Eurostar?

I was walking the dog with my four year old son this morning when he asked, ‘Could he eat one of the dog biscuits?’
I told him that they were meant for dogs but wouldn’t do him any harm.
I was reminded of one of my cousins. He liked to eat dog biscuits when he was younger.
I never felt like emulating him, but I have to admit being jealous of his glossy coat.

While walking up the stairs, I passed the lift repairman sitting on the edge of the open lift shaft. His legs were dangling over the lip and he was ‘playing' with a live electronic panel.
I looked up through the shaft to see the lift halfway up between floors. If it dropped the man would surely suffer a serious amputation.
“Aren’t you worried about your legs?’ I asked.
“Nah mate.” He replied. “This lift’s going nowhere.”

As we were only in Devon for a week, I didn’t want the five-hour drive to be a waste of time and crammed in as much as I could.
Another of our excursions was to the local zoo. My parents attempted to explore the nearby coast with the dog, while my wife, the children and I enjoyed the small but well run zoo.
They had all of the animals you could hope to see: Elephants, Lions and Zebras etc. but the children’s favorite enclosure was the Crocodile ‘swamp’.
It was set out as a type of walkway over the water and land. Some of these creatures were massive. One of them was at least five metres long!
The best bit for me though was seeing the bats up close.
They were creepy but fascinating. With the heat lamps behind them you could clearly see right through their leathery wings. This showed off the bones in their arms/wings to freaky effect.
A ride on a mini train and lunch in the zoo restaurant made for a lovely day out for everyone.

Another of my Devon excursions was to the South Devon railway.
Based in Buckfastleigh, it runs several old steam trains from there to Staverton and Totnes.
I’d never been on a steam train before and was truly excited at the prospect.
My parents took the children to a nearby play area while I took the dog for a short walk alongside the river. We then made our way back to the lovingly restored station platform.
The experience was made even better by the obvious joy shown by all the volunteer staff.
They were dressed in authentic looking period costumes and were perfect, even down to the gold fob watches and silver ticket clippers.
The carriage was basic but the train pulling us was a black and green marvel of Victorian efficiency and style.
We got out for a brisk walk at Totnes and then journeyed back. This time the carriage was something out of the old movies, with burnished wood, sliding doors and narrow walkways.
I was even able to buy tea and biscuits for everyone.

It’s very easy to relax and do nothing when on holiday, but it’s not very fair on the children.
One of the excursions we went on / I dragged my family to was ‘Kents Cavern’.
Nobody else seemed confused or amused by the fact that Kents Cavern was actually in Devon.
We went there on a rainy day and it was quite busy, but we were allowed in after a relatively short delay. (Spent brass rubbing and chalk drawing with my youngest two.)
My Wife and eldest daughter decided that they would stay outside with the dog, but my parents took one of their grandchildren each and went in. I followed happily behind.
The young tour guide instantly found a laughing partner with my Mum. He was a bit cheeky, but I imagine his job would be very repetitive without some banter.
I fell back from the crowd to take some pictures and at one point and was plunged into darkness.
I was unnerved by how dark it was. The group could only have been 10 metres ahead, but with all the twists and turns, even reflected light was blocked. I hurriedly felt along the walls until I’d caught up enough to see.
I was surprised how much the simple absence of light affected me.
Apparently during the Stone Age, cave men would use these caves as shelter but would often lose their way and die there!

A few days ago I noticed another dog walker feeding blackberries to his two pugs.
As I passed another blackberry bush a little further on, I picked some for myself and offered a few to my dog. She took them suspiciously but ate them without fuss.
Yesterday she stopped at every blackberry bush we passed and gorged herself on any that she could get at.
Anyone would suppose that I starve her.

My Father organised a family break in Devon. He and my Mother went down in the morning and I aimed to leave London with my wife, children and dog at around 2pm.
I was always the optimist.
By the time I’d run all the last minute chores and got the children ready it was after 4.30pm.
Inevitably we got stuck on the M25 for well over an hour, but by the time we got onto the A303 it was pretty much OK.
We stopped a couple of times to give the children and the dog some air and food (I love Little chef’s) but still got to Kingskerswell not long after 9pm.
The ‘cottage’ was easily big enough for the seven of us plus dog. There was even a bed going spare.

I finally got to see Wall-e last week. I took the whole family but frankly I’d have gone by myself if no one had wanted to come with me.
I love going to the movies although it’s become quite a rare experience nowadays. Nothing’s cheap for a family of five.
The animation was fantastic and the film was good but I laughed more in Kung Fu Panda.
The story is actually quite sad…
Earth has been ruined by man and evacuated. The sky thick with smog and skyscrapers of rubbish.
What’s left of humanity survives in huge space liners.
Unintelligent Robots have been left behind to clear it up. (Waste Allocation Load Lifter Earth-Class.)
Seven hundred years pass.
Only one robot is still operational.
It/He has developed a consciousness.
It/He’s lonely.
Then for the first time in centuries, something/one else arrives.
It’s a search-robot called EVE
Wall-E is smitten with this sleek, white robot.
It/She then discovers Earth can support life again and is collected by a space ship.
After that it develops into a protracted chase.
Finally, the now ‘Weeble’ like humans rediscover their independence and return to Mother Earth to help restore her to her former greatness.
As I said; the story is sad but ultimately optimistic.

I met up for a drink with my Cousin and my Father the other day.
My Father gave up alcohol years ago, my cousin’s never liked the taste and I was drinking Larger shandies.
What a bunch of girls!

Do you ever walk up a spiral staircase and then after two or three floors look up at the level sign to see it says ‘One’?
My whole life feels that way sometimes.

I took my dog to have her stitches out this morning.
She was frightened. The last time she was here, she had surgery.
Still, she walked in beside me and I held her face and reassured her as the vet removed the stitches.
Brave, good girl.

She wasn’t broken. ‘Fixed’ is a euphemism for having a hysterectomy.
I didn’t want her to have it done and had put it off as long as possible. I’d considered all the arguments for and against.
Most experts said that a female dog should be allowed at least one season. (Another euphemism.) I allowed her two, letting her get to almost two years old.
She faithfully followed me into the vet’s surgery, where I handed her lead to the vet who took her away. She looked back at me cowed and confused.
I collected her late afternoon.
She wouldn’t look at me.
Walking with obvious discomfort she followed me to the car and I had to help her up.
She forgave me a few days later, but I still feel like a complete traitor.
I’m envisioning the battle to get her into the vets on Friday to get the stitches out.
She’ll know where I’m taking her this time.

On the way to work today, I saw an article in the Metro, which initially made me smile.
It had a photograph of a handsome deer leaping over a street café table.

‘Havoc: A wild deer causes chaos in city centre as it flees storms. The 153kg (24st) animal hurt two people as it leapt over chairs and tables at cafes in Bolzano, northern Italy. It was cornered by police and hunters and shot.’

My smile faded.
This animal was simply frightened and patently not dangerous. Why kill it?
My low opinion of humanity sunk even further.